liberty mutual

I have never felt alone. Nor troubled. Being away from home has never been hard. Nor has missing those "occasions", those marriages in the family, those births, those birthdays, those moments of laughter. A trip across the oceans was not hard.

******************6/27/07**************************
F1: wen r u leaving?

me: in 3 hours from home

and in 6 hours from kolkata

F1: ah ok

flight plan?

me: :) philadelphia by flight

pittsburgh is final stop

F1: wokay

u happy?

must be...

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I was. At any rate, then. I wasn't much for emotions or emotional farewells. Matter-of-fact wasn't hard to pull off. I had strong barriers around every emotion, and none of them were free to do what they chose. I don't know where they had come from, I don't know how they had come to be so strongly mine, but I knew while they were there, I was safe.

I don't where I lost them. I don't know where they dissolved, just melted away. I don't know why I believed that people had it in them to be sincere. I don't know why I thought the mountain had a peak I could reach. I don't know why I decided I could be someone I had stopped being many many years back on a cold December evening.

******************6/27/2007****************************
me: for now, yes

thr r some things it means i ll never have

but its too late now

i had to make decisions based on the options then

and i think its the right one

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"Where do we go nobody knows...
... Your guess is as good as mine."

I miss knowing I could hop over to the next room and have an hour of meaningless chatter. I miss having bondhu to pop a few bottles at a minute's notice in the middle of the night, and getting drunk. I miss sitting and staring (well, not really, I have done a lot of it recently). I miss... I don't know... everything.

Above all, I miss knowing how it was to feel like I did. Never tired, never doubting. An acceptance of a destiny so sure that it was unshakeable.